Words can’t express how disappointed I am in tumblr for not jumping all over the Rolf Harris arrest.
I was expecting gifs and everything :(
There is a moment, right before a fall, when one wonder if they will ever come to land.
And if they do, what awaits them there.
Depression has always seemed to me something fleeting; something altogether brief yet all-consuming; smothering the self with indescribable pain and sadness, then lifting, passing like a cloud. I realise now that maybe it never goes away. Maybe the brief but complete submersion never truly ceases. There will always be, for some at least„ embers of that fire that, lying dormant and cool, can quickly erupt at the merest fanning; the slightest puff of air that immediately ignites all once more. Through the inferno, only anguish can be seen, though it is rarely the same anguish, the same sadness that arose in the beginning; instead, the pain has been transformed into something not entirely unlike the original but deeper, if such a thing is ever truly possible. Like the layers of an onion, or perhaps the rotting enamel of a tooth, something raw is exposed; a central nerve that recoils and flares at the slightest touch; the origin of the centre that until now could not be seen, or at least had been carefully hidden, seemingly non existent until all else had shed and fallen away, exposing vulnerabilities that even the sufferer may not have known existed.
How could one possibly survive in this state? Open and vulnerable to the slightest of touches; the merest suggestion that something they’ve done, or someone they are, some fundamental part of their being, is faulty, is incorrect, is broken. How does one find it in themselves to, if not fix that part of themselves, then at least accept it and grow in spite of it? How does one step back and allow themselves the luxury of strengthening themselves in the face of all they know and have ever known?
The key, in my opinion, does not lie in sheer power of will; those who may think until they’re blue in the face that they may overcome any diversity just by believing is possible will only cause themselves more pain if, and when, they fall again, reverting back to that original doubt that they were ever capable of that thing to begin with. Rather, the key lies in accepting that they are not strong enough to deal with all things life may throw at them, but that if ever they do struggle, there will be those to support them in the face of any diversity and to the ends of the Earth. It is those who feel they are alone, feel they have been abandoned, who fall the hardest and lack the strength to get back up, and it is those who require the most support. The idea that one may suddenly dust themselves off and march forward indefinitely, being able to never look back on their trouble is severely flawed. This retrospection, this realisation that it was in these moments they most needed help, and in these moments they most received it, that will allow them to carry on forward with the knowledge that others existed to guide and take care, to unquestioningly support.
It is too much, perhaps, to hope that those embers will ever truly go out, even when they seem at their very weakest, however one can ensure that they are prevented from igniting, that the exposed nerve is left well alone, and in time it will be, not forgotten, but something overcome, some mountain peak on top of which one can stand and proclaim: ‘I have scaled your highest peaks; I have defeated you. And now, I can move on.’